


Struggle

by i_heart_danchou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 22:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19282939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_heart_danchou/pseuds/i_heart_danchou
Summary: Erwin's always been the type of man to shoulder his burdens alone.  It's all Levi can do to support him and keep him standing.





	Struggle

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is for the bottom Erwin week prompt Masturbation. As usual I am incapable of writing anything happy! S’my style.

Levi wasn’t a man who had felt weak very often in his life.  For the most part, he’d been able to take care of himself from a very young age, and there wasn’t much that made him vulnerable.  That was one thing that Kenny had given him; the ability to handle himself, protect himself, and keep himself safe.   
  
Keeping other people safe, he supposed, was another matter entirely.  He had felt weak when he raced back to Isobel and Farlan that fateful day in the rain, and he had felt weak and helpless in this moment.  The Survey Corps was returning from their mission to rescue Eren again, and from what Levi was hearing, the casualties had been enormous.    
  
“Get a medic!  The commander is—“   
  
Levi watched in horror as Erwin rode in through the gates, his beautiful white horse stained pink from the enormous volume of blood in her coat. Erwin swayed, his eyes unfocused and his posture unsteady.  Levi couldn’t get through the crowd to reach him as he fell from his horse, landing with a sickening thud on the dirt.    
  
“We need some help, we’re losing him!”    
  


This was fucking bullshit, and Levi forced his way through the people to get to Erwin.  Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ , what had happened?  His eyes widened as he saw the source of the blood— how had he missed that— Erwin’s fucking arm was—“MOVE!”  He ordered, clearing a path for the medic to get to Erwin.  His stomach churned when he saw the fleshy muscle clenching aimlessly around Erwin’s severed bone.  

How had this happened?  What the fuck were they doing??  He shoulda been there.  Levi shoulda fucking been there.  He gritted his teeth and shifted on his ankle.  Fuck.

**

It was touch and go for a while.   Erwin had lost so much blood that the doctors were worried about brain damage.  Levi couldn’t bear to imagine losing Erwin, or having his bright mind robbed through some careless venture… so he threw himself into his work, trying to keep everything running smoothly so that if— when, Erwin recovered, everything would be easier for him.  

When he was by himself in the dark, he put his right hand behind his back.  He tried to function normally, he tried to take care of himself.  Simple acts like brushing his teeth, buttoning his shirt, even using the toilet were a thousand times harder like this, and he wondered how Erwin would cope.

Surely his military career was over, right?  He’d never fight again.  Deep down in his heart he knew that Erwin would never retire, not over something as insignificant as being permanently and seriously maimed.  As long as there was a truth out there to find, Erwin would seek it… even if it killed him.  

Levi swore as he failed to put his cravat on with just his left hand, and ruefully allowed his right arm to rejoin the fray.  Erwin had no such luxury.  Erwin was going to struggle.

**

Levi was there the moment Erwin opened his eyes, and he was certain he wasn’t quite able to contain his relief.  “Erwin.”  He breathed, reaching over to touch his hand.  “You nearly got yourself killed.”

“Mm.”  Erwin’s voice was croaky and exhausted.  “M’not that easy to kill.”  

Levi cocked an eyebrow.  Apparently they had him on the good stuff.  “I know that.  Makes it a lot easier not to worry when you’re off doing whatever crazy gamble you’ve come up with this time.”  Levi swallowed.  “I don’t like the beard.”  He said eventually.  “I’ll fill you in on everything you’ve missed.”  
  
The next morning when he came in, he regretted his comments about Erwin’s facial hair… he’d tried to shave it left handed and his beautiful face was marred with nicks and cuts, much of the stubble still present in scraggly clumps.  

Levi frowned.  “You look awful.”  He said gently.  “I’ll help.”  He collected some shaving implements and climbed onto the bed with Erwin.  It was a soft, intimate moment, and Levi was respectful as he cleaned up Erwin’s face.  “You’ll get there.”  Levi said as he finished.  “It just takes practice.”  

He considered telling Erwin how he’d tried his luck with only one arm, but decided perhaps it was a story for when the wounds weren’t so raw.  

Levi was impressed with the way Erwin was handling his disability, truth be told.  He didn’t like or need to be coddled.  He was a grown man and was very good at accepting the hand life had dealt him.  If his arm ached, he never complained about it, nor did he make a fuss as he struggled with his day to day activities. If the situation were reversed, Levi imagined he’d be very frustrated and angry, even if he knew such behaviors were irrational and unproductive.  It worried him that Erwin saw losing his arm as only the start of his penance… it was part of a long line of worrying subtle bouts of depression Levi was starting to notice more and more, the closer they got to taking back Wall Maria.  

**

Erwin was back to work probably a lot quicker than was recommended or healthy.  He wasn’t the type of man to wallow in self pity, and they had bigger things to worry about than the difficulties posed by a missing arm.  He never said anything, but Levi could see the way he struggled.  His penmanship suffered terribly, he was getting up nearly an hour earlier every morning to ensure he was cleaned and dressed properly for the day, and little things that he’d taken for granted were becoming extremely difficult.  

Erwin was great at hiding his frustrations, but Levi was great at knowing when Erwin was hiding something.  It was subtle; a sharp exhale of breath in frustration, the way his eyebrows pinched together when he dropped something, the brief flicker or pain in his eyes when he reached for something with his right hand out of habit.  

Levi worried.  Of course he worried about Erwin, he loved him and cared about him and wanted him to be whole once more.  It was a difficult balance at times, wanting to support his partner without being overbearing, making Erwin feel like he’d lost his independence.  The problem was that Erwin never liked to ask for help, and Levi didn’t want to offer too often.  

The injury came with a subtle change in their own relationship as well.  Erwin seemed withdrawn, distracted, and far less physically affectionate than he had been in the past.  Even as they lay together in bed Erwin didn’t cuddle up close to Levi like he used to.  He was turned away, facing the wall, curled up into himself.  Levi turned over and got Erwin’s attention, frowning at the storm brewing in those beautiful blue eyes.  “Does it hurt?”  He asked quietly.  

“A little.  I don’t want to sleep on my right side at the moment, it’s too tender.”  

Levi had a very hard time asking to be held, demanding more intimacy and affection.  It seemed to be admitting weakness, which is something Levi wouldn’t do.  It wasn’t a big bed, but the distance between them was enormous.  “Fine.”  He didn’t mind being the big spoon, and wrapped his arms around Erwin’s waist so they could be closer.  A lot of things were changing, and he suspected they wouldn’t have many more chances to lie together like this.  

Levi wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it was certainly more than what he got.  Erwin didn’t put his hand on Levi’s hands, didn’t thread their fingers together, didn’t sigh pleasantly and shift his body so it was flush with Levi’s.  It was painful to see him so withdrawn, and Levi wasn’t good at heavy emotional conversations really.  

He defaulted to crude humor, and started pulling at Erwin’s waistband so he could grasp his dick.  

“Levi… what are you doing?”  Erwin sounded tired.  

“Well you’re being a grumpy fuck and you’re missing an arm so I figured you haven’t been jerking off enough.”  He said with a shrug.  “May as well help, s’what a subordinate is for.”

Erwin chuckled then.  “I’m going to have to get you another copy of the military handbook.  Fraternization is frowned upon, especially between a superior officer and subordinate.” He twisted his back so he could see Levi’s face, and apparently his expression was so disgusted and non-believing that Erwin burst into laughter.  

It was absurd. The whole situation was absurd.  “You’re an idiot.”  Levi said eventually, still tugging on Erwin’s cock.  It wasn’t springing to life like it normally did, and Levi allowed his hand to still.  This wasn’t good.

“I don’t know how to help you.”  He admitted.  “I…” don’t like to see you like this?  Know what it’s like? Need you to get better?  “I’m worried I’m losing you and I don’t know what to do.”  Erwin was brilliant.  Levi often felt like a fool next to him.  

“Levi…” Erwin shifted over in the bed, wincing as he grazed his stump on the mattress.  He attempted to lie on his right side, but obviously it was causing him a great deal of pain.  

“Erwin, stop.  Lie on your back.”  Levi suggested, shifting over to Erwin’s left side before curling up to the sprawling expanse of his chest.  They were quiet for a moment, and Levi allowed himself to enjoy warmth of Erwin’s skin, the nice heavy feeling of that beautiful arm snaked around his waist.  

“Levi.”  Erwin broke the silence, his voice was silky and warm.  “You help me every day.  This would all be so much harder without you at my side.”  He smiled at Levi in the darkness, but there was no joy in his eyes.  

“You don’t deserve to suffer.”  Levi said.  “You’re not going to hell.  You’re a good man and you deserve good things.”    
  
Erwin’s breath hitched and he squeezed Levi tighter. “You’re wrong,” he said, and then he went silent.  He squeezed Levi closer though, and kissed the top of his head.  “I love you.”  He whispered.  “No matter what happens, I love you.  You’re my right hand.”    
  
Levi nuzzled into his chest.  “I love you too, you dork.  Don’t go soft on me now.”   Some of the tension had ebbed out of Erwin’s shoulders, and Levi was relieved to feel him drift off.    
  
Levi stayed curled up to Erwin and listened to him rest.  Sleep had never come easily to Levi, and he lay awake with his eyes wide open, wondering what good was having strength if he couldn’t protect the people he loved.    
  
Morning came quickly, and Erwin struggled to dress himself.  His back was tall and straight as he marched ever forward, and Levi could only watch as Erwin slipped further away.


End file.
